Valentine's Day

I happen to work in a building with a Godiva Chocolate store in the lobby and yesterday, while on my way outside to kick a few kittens and pull the whiskers off a baby sea lion, I noticed, to my dismay, a line stretching 30 deep waiting to get into Godiva. I thought to myself, as I often do since no one will talk to me, are these people really that desperate to conform to conventions created by a card company? When I asked a man in line – they were all men, of course – he shrugged rather sheepishly and said, “What are you gonna do?” Another man chimed in, “I love my wife, so what the hell.” To these desperate, conforming boy-men, I say: rebel!

It’s what we all have to do against vile holidays like this. If I got the day off from work in order to celebrate I might find something useful to do with my time, like nap or watch reruns of South Park; and then, MAYBE I could understand the appeal. But I don't get the day off and so I'm pissed (or more so than usual). I think Valentine's Day offends several groups of Americans. First, it's society's way of telling single people: you suck. If you're single and don't have anyone to spend money on, then you're a big Valentine's lonely hearts, you're relegated to daydreaming about that hot tomato who works part-time at reception and occasionally stops at your desk to chat and makes you think on occasion you have a chance with her when the truth is she just likes to flirt -- and what's wrong with that? -- and besides she has a boyfriend and you can always go home and look at porn on the internet. But I digress... The point is: you get to feel like a bit of a pariah if you don't happen to have a significant other on Valentine's Day.

Second. This faux-holiday is also society's way of telling folks who have lovers: you'd better conform or otherwise you're not getting any. God forbid we talk to each other to negotiate these intricate matters of coupledom! Err, sometimes capitalism, as it turns every possible object, idea and emotion into a commodity, just makes me want to pee my pants. Why must a holiday tell us we suck if we don't buy a box of chocolates, a bouquet of flowers and an inane card that captures nothing of our complex selves? (Happy Stan asks that I point out that this is a rhetorical question). Don’t get me wrong. I’m actually for contributing to the great, thriving economy, especially when it’s not so great and not exactly thriving. But I’d rather have a day named “spend extra money day” or "Support Americathon!" than a day that makes people feel inadequate if their lives don’t fit inside the plot of a Sandra Bullock movie. Obviously, I don't speak for everyone, but I speak for me and that's all that's important.

Full disclosure: I recently broke up with my girlfriend. And while you might think that this has contributed mightily to my thoughts about Valentine's Day, I have this to say: you're probably right.