Application to P.C.U.

I was applying to several writing programs a while ago and had trouble figuring out exactly the right tone to strike: Dignified? Brilliant? Sweet and lovable? How do you impress evaluators? Finally, I decided to just tell the truth. So here is my application letter to all the places looking for the perfectly P.C. candidate:

I was born a poor black child in the south. My mother was a lesbian and I think about lesbians a lot. My father was gay and black and Chinese and he traveled a lot with the circus and, sadly, he was a midget. But being a midget and black and Chinese and married to a lesbian, didn’t stop him from pursuing his dream of forming an all-midget, black, Chinese, lesbian elephant taming troupe. His drive and determination has inspired me to pursue my own goals of helping poor, black, Chinese, lesbian midgets with my writing. I’ve been in writing groups before, but they’ve been made up mostly of tall, white, straight people and they have rarely been able to help me find my voice. I am hoping the Writers Program can help me find my midget, black, Chinese, lesbian voice, as I heard a rumor that the workshop will be comprised of a diverse group of Americans. And diversity is what I need – in spades! – to write about black, Chinese lesbian midgets.

Did I mention that I have a lisp? Well, I do, and it generally makes people feel sorry for me. But people with lisps are people too, and I hope, with the aid of the black, Chinese, lesbian midgets I’ll meet in your program, to teach a larger audience (teaching is what writing is all about!) that lisps are nature’s way of saying, “you’re thspecial.”

So in summary: lisps and diversity equal goodness. I equal goodness.

p.s. I own a monkey and sometimes I touch it in inappropriate ways. But people need to learn that monkey molesters… well, you get the picture! WINK WINK!