Comments

I do not believe in instant gratification. That is, I do believe in it, I'm human, and after all I'm writing a blog so I must have the attention span of Musca domestica Linnaeus, the common housefly. But I don't believe in it for other people, and when a certain Dr. complains, via blog comment, that I do not allow people (for lack of a better word) to post instantly here, I have only this to say: tough crackerjacks. CrankyPants has made the executive decision to filter comments and if it seems like the act of an insecure, controlling neurotic, it's because it is. It's also to prevent stupid people from leaving their inane remarks.

One of my favorite characters on the Simpsons is the tubby video store owner who spends all his time on the internet condescending to imaginary enemies. People like him are the sort, it seems to me, who comment most frequently via the web on Blogs. I've had a little experience with this, as I run a literary web magazine (http://www.ducts.org/) and we periodically receive impolite\coarse\ emails generated by borderline human beings afraid of their own shadows and compelled, as a result of their encompassing fear, to shoot down the efforts of others. Of course, I wouldn't be bothered by such things if it weren't for the above-stated insecurity\neuroticism. Recently, for example, we ran an essay-writing contest (check it out, you have until March 1st, 2006). I posted an ad on Craigslist and received several derogatory emails about our magazine, the contest, the entry fee and my hair style. Instead of heartily laughing at the folly of others, I formed a team of crack assasins and tracked down all the offending emailers over the course of several months. Some things just aren't funny to me.

The good Dr. asked, however, for a list of filtered comments and so, without further ado (and with little adon't), here's a sample of the many comments that did not make the cut. Feel free to assume all of these are made up:

1) This blog is the greatest blog in the world, except I noticed that you don't have anything useful to say, that you complain too much and that your parents smell like onions.
--HarshFellow

2) I think I saw you walking down the street the other day. Was that you? I'm watching you. I hate you. You smell like onions. --TheCandyManCan

3) You know the episode of Star Trek where two crew members are turned into gods and then battle each other until one is weakened and then Kirk jumps in and kills him before he kills the whole crew? Just wondering. --SpocksSweetAss

4) I happen to be an escalator repairman and I was offended and appalled by your prior post. Please understand that stairs are not meant to move! Escalators are complex machines and people like you who take the advances of modern society for granted should be shuttled into a time machine and forced to live through the middle ages! Catch a little bubonic plague and then see what you think about escalators. Prick. --Frank

5) You're hot. Want to party? --Frank

6) Hello, this is Saul Bellow. I know what you're thinking: "But Saul Bellow is dead!" You're reaction is further evidence of the extremely limited nature of your thinking. Is Shakespeare dead? Does that stop him from posting? Anyway, I'm writing to ask you to be funnier. You're not funny and it depresses me. And you smell like onions. --SaulsTheOne!

7) You know what? I wouldn't read your blog if it was the last blog on the planet!
--BloggerBreath

8) I think calling women "tomatoes" is a great idea. Sure, and why don't we call men "celery sticks" because that's what they all are: stiff and dumb! Ha ha ha. --EvilTemptress

9) You stole my lunch money in 3rd grade and I haven't forgotten. You're so dead, dude!
--RebeccaSmith

10) Alas, blogs are final evidence of the complete decline of our culture. We are the first to go from inception straight to decadence, skipping civilization altogether. And your blog represents more declinishness than any I've read. --FoxyAndSlyForNigh