Free Agents

Many of my fans have written me letters lately begging me to write about important topics, like world politics, lying Republicans and Mel Gibson. But I make my own rules, fans be damned, and have chosen this week instead to write about something I know little about. Money. And sports. Or, at least, the intersection of the two.

NFL teams this week are signing free agents like turkey buzzards at a turkey buzzard feast, and like many sports fans, I'm disgusted, naseauted and clinically depressed after watching some of my favorite players switch uniforms. And what's lighting a fire in my socks more than anything about all this, what's causing my Uncle Abe, an orthodox Jew, to cross himself daily, what's causing my pure-hearted niece Suzy Purebread to shoot vitriolic spitballs at the television set, is what these athletes dare to say after signing their new multi-gazillion dollar contracts. They dare to lie!

David Givens, formerly of the New England Patriots, said he was excited at the new "opportunities" available to him playing with a new team. I guess that means that he didn't appreciate the opportunity to win the NFL championship TWICE with his old team? Of COURSE he appreciated that opportunity. What he meant to say, I believe, was something more like this: "I"m really glad this new team is paying me lots of money."

I have nothing against these guys cashing in -- loyalty to team cuts both ways and players risk injury every time they go out there -- but why can't they just come clean and speak the truth? I guess the U.S. president is setting a bad example, because players seem to think it's okay to lie. Drew Brees, now of the New Orleans Saints, talked about how much his new team had embraced him and how excited he is to turn the page on the first half of his career. What he really meant was, "I'm really glad this new team is paying me lots of money." And Willie McGinness spoke with heartwarming passion after signing with the Cleveland Browns of looking forward to a chance to teach younger players, to show them the right way of playing the game. I love Willie as much as it's possible to love another man and never see him with his pants down, but I still believe what he meant to say was, "I'm really glad this new team is paying me lots of money."

It appears that these athletes are under the delusion that it's okay to lust after money, to put the value of money above, before and beyond any other value (and that just makes them like everyone else), but that it's NOT okay to simply say so. So maybe the problem isn't them. Maybe it's a cultural problem. This country was founded, after all, by Puritans and Batman, and we all know how uptight Batman gets when conversations turn to the green stuff. But what I would like to point out to athletes, rich people and Barry Manilow, is that it's simply SILLY to go through life talking a talk that you're not walking. And I'm afraid it's becoming an epidemic.

I spoke to Uncle Abe about all this and he said, "Hypocrisy in anything whatever may deceive the cleverest and most penetrating man, but the least wide-awake of children recognizes it, and is revolted by it, however ingeniously it may be disguised." I was blown away by this insight and when I asked Uncle Abe how he'd thought of it, he looked up from the turkey buzzard he was consuming and said, "It just came to me out of the blue." Later I looked up the quote on the web and found that Tolstoy had said it before my Uncle, but I think it's at least possible he'd thought of it himself, since why would he lie?

The bottom line about this is that Uncle Abe and Tolstoy are both right. Any child can tell that these athletes are just blowing cigarette smoke and pixie dust up our butts when they pepper us with their lies. So they, like many Americans, must be trying to fool themselves! And if they're succeeding, well then they're heading down the dangerous path to psychosis (a path I've tread upon many an early morning after watching Oprah Winfrey on the television). I believe that it was Andre Gide who said, "The true hypocrite is the one who ceases to perceive his deception, the one who lies with sincerity." (I believe also that's already one hypocrisy quote too many).

I never used to respect the common folks on reality and game shows on TV, shows like Wheel of Fortune, Survivor and Give Me Lots of Money!, but now I can at least watch those shows with renewed respect for the competitors. Sure, they're sad, pathetic rats on a wheel, but at least they're just using their limited brain capacities in an honest, forthright, baseball and apple pie kinda way when they clutch, grab, spite, cry and kill for a buck. Because they admit it. What's wrong with the rest of us? I'm afraid that if the split between reality and our concocted lies continues to grow then we (us Americans) will begin to believe any action we commit is sanctified by god. And if we believe that, lord knows what atrocities we're likely to commit.

Man, this is depressing. Think I'll turn on the tube and watch a little Wheel of Fortune to cheer myself up...