I'm a fan of the Academy Awards the way some people are fans of Nascar: I watch the awards restlessly waiting for something or someone to crash and burn, for people to go running horrified into the streets, for the end of the world to come thundering down in the form of an angry, spiteful Lord. And that's why it's perhaps appropriate that the movie "Crash" won the Academy Award for best picture last Sunday. They should shut the whole operation down now after finally getting it so perfectly, absolutely and abysmally wrong. I love those guys.
This is worse than "Gigi" winning (though I'd pay money for Michael Jackson to release his version of "Thank Heaven for Little Boys"). It's worse than Dances With Wolves, which was at least a pretty movie with lots of cool shots of Kevin Costner looking like he was about to make a baseball movie. It's worse than Titanic, which I actually think was a very good film in spite of the bad acting and maudlin plotting. And it's worse than The Silence of the Lambs, which isn't even as good a movie as Manhunter, the first Thomas Harris\Serial Killer movie. Heck, it's even worse than Jaws 3-D winning the best picture award, which of course it didn't.
Naturally the Academy Awards is a sham. It's ridiculous in the first place to judge art in this way, so I think it's fair to put that issue aside and simply accept that living in the United States means, at some point, selling your soul to the devil (or to AOL\TimeWarner, which is worse than the devil). That is, art = money. But what puts two capital letters in my Sass-a-Frass is that the Academy Award voters consistently (though with notable exceptions like The Godfather) choose to award films that will not stand the test of time because they're just not very good movies. In the case of Crash, they are the worst movie ever made.
Voters of the last few decades make one error consistently. Lets call it, for the sake of sounding pretentious, "the error of morality." They choose films with lofty aspirations. They select flicks made by hacking windbags (Ghandi, Driving Miss Daisy, Dances with Wolves). But who goes to see a movie because it has a good "message?" Who goes to see Ghandi at all (and if you think you did see it, it's because you were really drunk that night and you should return that ceramanic elf sitting in your living room to Mr. Goldenberg's lawn)? Who goes to see any dramatic form because it's politically correct? We have essays and speeches and wars to convey messages! Drama should convey it's meaning... well, dramatically. The premise should be explored... well, dramatically. The "message" should lie beneath the surface and sneak up on you like a shark attack. Maybe Jaws 3D should have won! No it shouldn't have.
Brokeback Mountain should have won this year, but not because it had a superior political message: gay people are cool and look like Heath Ledger, mostly. No, it should have won because it's dramatic, because it's crisp storytelling, because it's compelling. Later, after the tears subsided, you might have had a few thoughts about turning in your KKK uniform after watching Brokeback. But the movie, as it plays, carries you along on the strength of powerful characters, dramatic writing, conflict, superior editing and so on. Crash relies on sentimentality. It slams you over the head with its message.
Is this confusing? Here's sample dialogue from Crash:
"Racism is bad, Bill."
"No it's not, Tyrese."
That's not drama, folks. That's suckiness. Here's another quote:
"White people hate black people, girlfriend."
"You gonna eat those fries?"
Thus: when a film as undramatic as Crash comes along, we should all flock to the latest Weekend at Bernies retrospective to protest. But the Academy voters, apparently, can't help themselves from putting it up on a platform and shouting, "hey, look at us, we're smart and left wing and shame on the rest of you" (and meanwhile women past the age of 21 in Hollywood can't sniff a job and have to turn to other forms of prostitution).
Movies like Crash should be collected and burned. Lets put them all in a giant Kentucky Fried Chicken bucket in front of the Kodak Theater or wherever the Academy Awards are held, toss on some lighter fluid, maybe fling Whoopi Goldberg on there for luck and then light 'er up. That's right: I'm advocating burning art. Really, really bad art. And then maybe Hollywood will make some pictures worth seeing. Weekend at Bernies III, anyone?
5 comments:
For once (and only once!) I totally agree with you, Spanky Pants. Except for about 10,000 things you said that were as wrong as a poop stain on the Pope.
Ghandi is one of the best movies ever made. By best I mean "Important." Without important movies people wouldn't know what is really important! Think of the Children, Prickly Pants. Crash appears to be such an Important Film that I didn't even see it. I don't think I'm ready to stand in the presence of such Importance. It was so Important they set cars on fire and made Ethnic People walk slowly on the Kodak Stage - if that wasn't an Important Kodak Moment I don't know what is.
There were so many Important Moments pouring over that hallowed stage that Jennifer Garner slipped on all the meaning and nearly fell on her alias. Even outside on the red carpet the air was so heady with Statement that Joan Rivers fawned all over Larry Brokeback McMurtry until the man who's hand she was shaking had to inform her that he was actually Lee Majors.
These are Important Times, Al Quai-ky Pants. And things will never be Unimportant Again. But you take off that Aids Pin you're wearing, nobody wears those anymore.
Viva La Cinema!
Wow. Looks like hundertwasser needs to get his own damn blog.
Here here, Crankypants. Crash is a total piece of merde.
Wow. Looks like bristasouljah needs to read the Crankypants Blog "Code of Honor."
Oh, right, there isn't one. Damn you Crankypants. Damn you for making me cranky.
And yet, I crave more Crankypants. Where's the new post? Perhaps you have mellowed?
Yo, Mr. Pants. What's up with this comment:
and meanwhile women past the age of 21 in Hollywood can't sniff a job and have to turn to other forms of prostitution
What the hell does this mean? I believe you've made even me cranky, Mr. Pants. Or is this just "suckiness"?
If Bad Art were burned, as you suggest, people would be even more afraid to make art than they are now. Of course there is going to be bad art. We're probably all in some stage of creating bad art in some form or other. But Bad Art paves the way to good art--or at least better art. It doesn't mean it needs to win awards, (unless it's mine) but if the academy is a crock as you suggest, then what does it really matter what wins or loses? Except it all equals money, and winners probably cash in somehow. Here's to selling my soul to the devil, I say.
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