Subway Announcements

If there is one thing that sets my shirts on fire more than turning on the television set and seeing Regis Philbin blathering on about neutering his cat, it's subway announcements that thank me for services or states of mind that I have in no way offered.

If you live in New York City you've probably been on the subway (and if you have, you're probably tense, queasy and feeling a bit like telling someone (probably your mom) to F off). Anyone who has taken a trip through hell has probably heard something like this: "Due to an unavoidable delay, we are going to sit in this station for the next several millenia. Thank you for your patience." In these cases I usually turn several shades of purple, rip off all my clothes and go screaming into the streets. My friend Happy Stan calls this "acting out." There is nothing about my disposition that could be described in any way as "patient." So what the hell are they thanking me for? Why are they mocking me?

Aside: All of this assumes (a big assumption) that I can even make out what the announcer is saying. It's actually rare. Sometimes I'll hear, "Blah, blah, sqauwk, kruncher, mumble, cough, Bush for President, blah, blah..." Most of the speakers on the trains and subway platforms don't work. But even when I can hear what the announcer is saying and I'm satisfied (rare) that he's not mocking me, I hate announcments. Why? Because they never give me any useful information. You never hear, "The next train will not be arriving for 15 minutes," or "Look out, that guy standing next to you is a flasher!" Second aside: The word "squawk" has the least intuitive spelling of any word I've ever encountered.

Maybe you've heard this: "Due to a police action, we are going to take a short vacation. Good luck getting to work and thank you for your patience." Or: "The conductor forgot his lunch, so while he runs out for a six pack of McNuggets we are not going to move. Fuck you and thank you for your patience." After a while this plentitude of thanks begins to sound smug, like the declaration of a haughty bully who knows you're helpless and can't help rubbing it in. Are these announcements written by Republicans? I can think of no other explanation.

Here's another explanation: the people who either utter these f-yous or program them (many of the announcements are recorded) have no regard for the English language (or, for that matter, language itself). I'm all for butchering a sentence here and there to keep my readers on their toes, but I respect language. Poets butcher language, but with occasional good cause. These subway utterers are just plain mean. Maybe it's another sign of the decline of American civilization (if there really is a way we can go lower than Jerry Springer) -- I'm not sure. But have you have EVER seen a subway door moving during this gem: "Stand clear of the closing doors." Brother, those doors are standing still! Maybe, "Stand clear so that we may close the doors" would make more sense. Or, "Step away from the entrance so that we may begin moving, stall, break down and ask you all to walk through a murky tunnel." It's bad enough we have to suffer through our daily commutes, but must the so-called workers mock us? Is this their Marxist way of rising up? Don't they know that there are lots of blue-collars riding the train along with all the doctors and pizza delivery men they seem to despise, and if they're trying for solidarity by twisting the language to their own fiendish ends, then they're failing, and mightily.

Maybe the problem is self-esteem. If I worked for the MTA I'd probably hate myself. So here's my solution: force the entire MTA crew to sit down with Doctor Phil. After listening to his smug ass for several hours, I'm sure every single "worker" would begin to understand the pain we have to endure. Praise Dr. Phil...